Plebs at the pub

pleb [plɛb]

n

1) Actually defined as a member of a despised social class, a commoner, a member of the plebs of ancient Rome. Also low-born, undisinguished, vulgar, and my personal favourite: vulgar-looking. 

2) one who's inferior intelligence results in them making a complete titface out of themselves in public


I have come to the time where I feel it necessary to introduce Candy's biggest partner in crime who is otherwise known as Celeste. As all traditional superhero and fantasy stories have been told.... the two powers are stronger when they are closer and that is a shortened version of what people are exposed to when experiencing Candy and Celeste in public.
Celeste does have a memory like an elephant, so she is a great aid in recapping stories and expressing the more finer, classier moments in the OHA chronicles.

So in this particular entry, Candy and Celeste had just finished a champagne brunch with some friends and the weather was glorious! It was a public holiday and the beach side was calling us to be amazing, so we organised to meet more friends and Celeste drove towards the bay where the water would be sparkling and wine was hopefully chilling.

As we were taking a main road to get us to our destination, some pretty blue and red flashing lights were in the distance and no, it wasn't a roadside rave party, it was police conducting alcohol breath testing and we had just been summoned. Celeste's eyeballs were as big as golf balls and the nervous shakes and giggles started straight away when she realised she had a bit of bubbly beforehand. "Hello Ladies" said the man in uniform, "please just gently blow into this and ill tell you when to stop", so Celeste did as she was told to whilst Candy sat and laughed thinking 'i wonder if they do cocktails in lockups?'. After Celeste had stopped blowing, she pulled her lips away leaving bright pink strawberry coloured gloss all over the mouth piece and we waited for the bleeps to give the all clear. Seven seconds later and the policeman remarked "yep, that's fine, have a good day girls" and Celeste was almost amazed she didn't have to hand the keys over and leave the car. Instant relief came over her and then she asked what the reading ended up being... it was 0.00!!! woooooooooo

So with that little detour, we started off again en route to the beach side bar and reached our destination, still astonished at the purity Celeste registered with her breath test. At least an hour into drinks and we had our first contender for public shame and it came in the form of a head full of dreadlocks with a receding hairline. Apparently this guy thought it was fair game and decided he'd pull up a chair and settle in for the afternoon. His flock of sloppy seagulls (mates) followed him and before we knew what was happening, it looked like a we were surrounded by a revival of some bizarre music festival circa 1994. There was tie-dye tops, a guy trying to plug his band by handing out gig leaflets and some random in a bowler hat talking my ear off and heaven help me I could not understand his cuban/french accent, so I just pretended I had a hearing problem.

Before I left the house I had seriously considered the variable straps on my maxi dress and had gone against strapless and chosen to make it a halter neck (which later doubled as a 'safety harness') and thank god i went for that option. My dress was choosing to take the fast lane down with gravity and if it wasnt for the 'safety harness' we would've been hosting a live breast test! haha

After sundown the wine wasn't even getting time to cling to the glass before it flooded down my throat and Celeste was encouraging Candy to believe that her knees also doubled as a seating apparatus. Although it was more like it was manufactured at haggle.com because the seating gave way and Celeste was now hanging off Candy's neck like kids play equipment. Don't fear kids, we made it look like a classy burlesque move, no-one knew the difference and we received applause all round.

The final display of the classy evening was when i went to talk to a friend who was clearly struggling with a table full of plebs around her and one of the nerds decided he would attempt to try a short, disgusting one liner on yours truly. I let him know of this blog address telling him it spotlights freaks of the night like him and in response, he thought it would be a great idea to break my safety strap and expose Candy's milk tops which landed him a quick backhand across the face. The only thing that could take my embarrassment away was the golden arches that resided underneath the beach bar establishment and Mr Ronald Mcdonald's cheeseburger was my night cap

Stay classy kids

xx Candy

Santa's Bitch

Yes children, Santa and his reindeers will be rocking up soon (if you've been good), so this is the time of year we get together, get a little pissy and hope to god there's some mistletoe hanging above our heads at the end of the night. So there was an annual luncheon that the OHA Headquarters holds every Christmas to celebrate that year that has passed and also to reflect on how amazingly hot we've grown in the last 12 months!

I was at a prior engagement so sadly I had to arrive at the lunch later, but when I walked in, there were red rosy cheeks, loud carols playing, bottle corks popping and after my arrival, jaws dropping.
Knowing it would create a stir, I had fittingly chosen to wear my hot red singlet with the phrase "Santa's Bitch" emblazoned across it and therefore I didn't need to speak my welcome because everyone was screaming and pointing it at my chest. This followed shortly by a round of applause and I hadn't even reached my seat yet! This is the kind of welcome every Candy girl loves!

I might mention, that because of the A-List connection my friends and I have, the whole restaurant had been booked out just for us and we could be as loud and fabulous as we liked! The menu was specially designed just for us and we had our own personal waiters attending to our needs of liquid and lots of it so we wouldn't become parched (heaven forbid).

The luncheon progressed and our chauffeur had arrived to pick the group up and cart us away to one of the Chief members houses where the after party would carry on. We had to keep entertained somehow on the 30 min drive, so this involved haunting poor drivers on the road with smiles, waves and pointing at randoms not caring whether we caused accidents or not.

Stumbling out of the OHA chariot (mini bus), we floated into the halls and living areas of the house and then flooded towards the fridge that stored icy, fresh alcohol. The sun was shining, I was surrounded by beautiful people and I was living the dream until I decided that Frangelico would be a good idea to shot at 5.40pm in the afternoon on a stomach barely full with 2 risotto balls, 3 pieces of penne pasta, a small dinner roll and 4 glasses of Sav Blanc. Mr Franny, got me fired up and confused my head allowing me to fall in love with my long time frenemy that was Miss Blue Alize! So from this point on, I can only recount slight fragments of the evening (that came flashing back the next day), but there were a few highlights..

I vaguely remember trying to manoeuvre a dance step that justice crew would've pulled out and imagined it going differently in my mind, because in my body, it was an epic fail. I thought it would be cute and classy to mime a song on the end of the couch arm, yet the couch disagreed and I missed the part where I somehow ended up with my neck parallel to the floor and my feet up in the air near the opening of the screen door??

Next flashback consisted of members accidentally dropping and smashing glasses all over the place like we were at a Jewish wedding! I was NOT to be blamed for this....for once..

and finally we have candy trying to attempt push ups after a few shots and forgetting that her muscles had melted from all the Alize and she was now apologising and talking sweet words to the paving after her chin collided with it.

A taxi home was shared with two other OHA members and then I can not remember any more, although I'm pretty sure to pass Taxi school, you have to avoid driving over the top of a median strip like our driver did.

MORNING!!!!!!!! The sun was burning through the window and as I was greeted with the feeling of desert mouth, I looked down and realised after somehow arriving home safely, I was still fully clothed...shoes and all. I had come to the grips that I was literally Santa's Bitch at this point because my belly was aching, I felt like I had a sideshow novelty hammer going off in my head and my mascara was now sitting on my cheeks.

The only way I was going to surface back to life was with a little extra help which came in the form of a burger. After a detox of six weeks with no such thing, I gave in and devoured my Whopper whilst sitting naked underneath my terry toweling dressing gown. I stayed on that pink velour covered lounge for a good hour and slowly felt the hotness coming back to me. Never again will Candy touch Mr Frangelico for he is the devil.

Tis the season to be Jolly ; )

xxx Candy

there's a robber on the dancefloor, but they didnt steal our groove!

Oh how I do love how people think they're being so inconspicuous when they talk behind the palm of their hands and do 'magpie eyes' in your direction?? May I just say, there's no way that I'm going to hear what the hell you're saying anyway so cut the crap, put your hand down and let me lip read! From the look of her 'wind-tunnel tight' ponytail and decision to wear a turtle neck skivvy complete with puffer vest (inside a club), she was probably just cursing jealousy at me anyway... nothing new!

I went with my girl to order a beverage and to my excitement, I discovered that the usual scary bar wench wasn't working, so it was a relief to get smiles as we ordered our drinks and not have a moody cow who had facials like she was permanently 'on the blob', smashing drinks around the place and choosing to only serve humans that had a penis. The bar staff were great and the line was moving fast. 

After our vanilla vodka shots, we chose to set up camp on one of the lounges in a prime location (in between the bar and DJ booth) and then BINGO!!!.... we've been here 10 minutes and there's already a paralytic on the floor straddling the poor innocent pole. Her poor friends tried the 'we don't know her' tactic by turning away when she was beckoning for them to join her and then they threw the shit directly towards the fan, got their camera/phones out and made the most of the situation. She was the typical sloppy first dancer up on the floor that would make the next few dancers look absolutely amazing in comparison.

Sloppy Sarah had left the building, everyone was burning up the dance floor to "Only Girl (In the World)" by Rihanna and I felt like I seriously WAS the only girl in the room with all the male circus freaks that were starting to gather around us. This is when Sloppy Sarah would've come in good use, usually you can push the drunk pole dancer into random men to eliminate two pests at once, but I had to go into work mode and get rid of them myself. This involved death glares and telling the men there were incredible drink specials at the bar, it always worked.

My girlfriend was in lock down mode when she spotted two little street rats trying to progressively kick her clutch purse further and further across the dance floor. First time we assumed it was a mistake, but then we realised they were trying to steal the handbag! So my girlfriend grabbed the bag out of the girl's hand, reported it immediately to security, but the robbers had already made a quick escape and apparently already taken off with another two bags!

We had another drinky and a dance to settle our nerves and then a little skinny moustached teenager that only just entered puberty came over and asked if he could add me on facebook. What was he thinking?? .... "Yes! i would love to accept your friend request and have you stalk my pictures while you imagine us playing LAIR together in your freaky little basement that resembles something of a Ikea children's bedroom catalogue??" No sweetie, go back to Babybook and meet your pals there. I pushed him towards some chick who was reliving her raver years and it sure looked like she accepted his tongue request within 3 seconds! Ahh true love!


It was progressing to closing time and the lights were coming on but we were still dancing up a storm. secretly, I think they just turned the lights on so the staff and DJ could get a good look at us performing because there was still 30 mins till closing. Everywhere we looked there were eyes on us (smiling and not laughing thankfully) and we bowed, curtsied and got a round of applause as we were leaving the club.

Waiting for a taxi was half as painful as the ride home because the driver wouldn't stop talking! If the meter was running on his words per minute, i would have to put this trip on layby. I tried hard to return the conversation and even tried to pretend i was getting calls on my mobile, but even my mobile had fallen asleep because of his verbal diarrhoea.

Quite a respectful night had by Candy and thankfully still had my dignity.....and my purse! xx

Rihanna - Only Girl (In The World)

What makes up TRUE HOTNESS?

BANNED!.....from a family restaurant

An appearance was needed by Candy and I was asked by one of my followers to go to a brand new club where she would be the new resident DJ to help make numbers look good for opening night. I recruited one of the OHA members to come with me and we had arrived a little early.

We spotted a restaurant on the street level below the club and ordered bottle of wine to warm up our talent for the night. By the time I had suffered three sips of the wine, I couldn't take it anymore and decided that this liquid tasted more like conjunctivitis than fine vino, but felt ill at the thought of leaving a bottle behind. So my girlfriend and I pretty much shot down the remainders and by 10 minutes time we had a waiter standing at our table. It was so hard to keep a straight face as he told us "we've had a couple of complaints about the noise level and some parents are concerned about the discussions they are overhearing". So yes, you can say we were evicted from that establishment and on the way out we made loud dalek noises into a fast moving fan that was located near the exit door.

Our names were on the door and let me tell you, it wasn't a big list. I counted a total of 5 patrons, 4 bar staff and 1 DJ. Usually I would love this exclusiveness, but at that time I felt embarrassed because it was such a small turn out for the brand new club and they wouldn't even made enough on door entry to keep the lights switched on! So being a generous and thoughtful person, I thought of a way that I could make the books look good for opening night and this involved buying copious amounts of wine, cocktails and shots for everyone in the club (not often I can do that)!

Now with every adventure Candy and her minions have, there is always a big bad scary wolf lurking in the corner. This one came in the form of being a short, bald crackhead that must have had a sight problem because he spoke approxiamately 1 inch away from my face. The wolf was quizzing us on why we had such bright eyes and clear skin, which we informed him was a positive outcome on not being on drugs like he was. I managed to escape the foul conversation by going to the dance floor, but my girlfriend later informed me that the wolf ended up being a particular client that was owing money to her law firm for unpaid court fines! So he would've thought his dreams had come true when she was asking for his digits, but the truth was, she was getting a contact number off him to follow up the fines on monday.

So further on into the evening, my darling little friend had taken advantage of the open bar, got quite messy and chose the quicker option of getting down the stairs, which was sliding down them on her ass till she hit the bottom. Another friend had offered to give us a lift to the city and as we had driven about 500k's, my girlfriend demanded to get out of the car, followed by holding on for dear life and elegantly spewing into the nearby council bin. Amazingly enough, I was still hungry and progressed to my old faithful safe haven that is....Hungry Jacks.

I was actually feeling quite fresh, whereas Struggletown was the next stop for my faithful OHA member standing beside me. We fought for a taxi, flopped our royal behinds in the back and hoped to god we made it home before the headache begun.

HOW DARE THEY EVICT SUCH TALENT! Candy xx

Barbara Streisand on the Bongos

Well I arrived solo (shock gasp) to met up with friends at a casual town bar on Saturday night with fresh red lips and hair looking flawless. The evening temperature was a calm 20 degrees so lots of people were very keen on being out on the town and obviously not concerned about catching genital hypothermia with their skirts creeping thigh high!

So I walk upstairs and locate the birthday girl who looked stunning and got a fee waived from the OHA, because it was after all, her 21st birthday party. I greeted her properly and then made my way to the outside veranda where two of my members were mingling with other guests from the party.  I hydrated myself with a delicate summer wine and inhaled a few cocktail spring rolls for my dinner, whilst catching up on the latest gossip. Speeches were announced and carried out, then it was off to the bar for another drink.

Now part of me thinks, there must have been a 'tradies' convention at this establishment because the general uniform was dreadlocks, checked style shirts and cheap beer-in-hand. They were everywhere! I was on the dance floor and some random approached me making it known to my attention that I smelt amazing (thanks to Britney). Well sweetie, this I already knew, but i probably didn't need to know the weather forecast that you left on my shoulder with all the slurring and spitting you were doing! Thankfully one of his neanderthal friends grunted out to him and he disappeared to do damage elsewhere.

The DJ was absolutely hitting the right notes with some sweet tunes although I probably could do with not hearing 'Barbara Streisand-Duck Sauce' for quite sometime....and 20 minutes later our little friend is back to slur over my other shoulder! Yet again tells me how awesome I (still) smell and thinks it is acceptable to start bump'n'grinding me to the beat of the congo drums our little DJ friend was bashing on. I made an obvious BOLT to the other side of our dancing circle and try to make it obvious that his chances of touching me is about as likely as a Eskimo living in Wagga Wagga.

"WHO'S UP FOR SHOT'S" Candy yells in a ladylike manner and the OHA members flocked to bar like seagulls to a hot chip. The bar man blended up something delicious which he poured into shot glasses, covered with and orange slice and lit on fire whilst sprinkling cinnamon on top (which created a 'sparkler' effect) and the group squealed like excited little school girls. Meanwhile, I had previously organised for the resident photographer to document the occasion because sadly my camera had decided to call it a night.

The male testosterone was going into overdrive and it felt like we were a big, juicy lamb carcass at feeding time in the zoo. They were pouncing on us and circling in from all directions with crazy looks in their eyes and I waited for Kelly Rowland to stop Working IT and the group exited to the bar. We decided to have more vanilla vodka shots at the bar (which would double as a Valium) and make our way downstairs where we would dance a little longer, the hideous closing lights would come on and we would try to hail a taxi to move on to the next club.

Standing out the front waiting for a lift, the crowds hear a "BOMMMF.....BANG.......DOOF" noise and we turn to see a pedestrian that has been hit by a taxi driver!! In a dramatic display of courage, one of my fellow members, throws his jacket towards me a skips in a fast fashion towards the human speed hump lying in the centre of the road. He heads back towards the group 5 minutes later telling everyone he'll be fine and we choose to take one of the taxi's in the cue whilst others are distracted.

The next venue provided much alcohol, entertainment and generally good people watching, but can I just send a warning to the size 26 dress up gaga in silver sequins (who looked more like a disco ball) ....?? If Candy EVER has to be subjected to a gyrating saltbush 2 metres away from her dancing space, there will be a nasty price to pay and 12 months imprisonment to wear faded denim, elastic waistband jeans. NO BAIL.

All I have to close with tonight is that the 'shot fairy' appeared in my conscience again...about 7 times to be exact and had her way with my mouth and mind.

Lets say a prayer that Candy woke up alive and makeup intact! xx