I was at a prior engagement so sadly I had to arrive at the lunch later, but when I walked in, there were red rosy cheeks, loud carols playing, bottle corks popping and after my arrival, jaws dropping.
Knowing it would create a stir, I had fittingly chosen to wear my hot red singlet with the phrase "Santa's Bitch" emblazoned across it and therefore I didn't need to speak my welcome because everyone was screaming and pointing it at my chest. This followed shortly by a round of applause and I hadn't even reached my seat yet! This is the kind of welcome every Candy girl loves!
I might mention, that because of the A-List connection my friends and I have, the whole restaurant had been booked out just for us and we could be as loud and fabulous as we liked! The menu was specially designed just for us and we had our own personal waiters attending to our needs of liquid and lots of it so we wouldn't become parched (heaven forbid).
The luncheon progressed and our chauffeur had arrived to pick the group up and cart us away to one of the Chief members houses where the after party would carry on. We had to keep entertained somehow on the 30 min drive, so this involved haunting poor drivers on the road with smiles, waves and pointing at randoms not caring whether we caused accidents or not.
Stumbling out of the OHA chariot (mini bus), we floated into the halls and living areas of the house and then flooded towards the fridge that stored icy, fresh alcohol. The sun was shining, I was surrounded by beautiful people and I was living the dream until I decided that Frangelico would be a good idea to shot at 5.40pm in the afternoon on a stomach barely full with 2 risotto balls, 3 pieces of penne pasta, a small dinner roll and 4 glasses of Sav Blanc. Mr Franny, got me fired up and confused my head allowing me to fall in love with my long time frenemy that was Miss Blue Alize! So from this point on, I can only recount slight fragments of the evening (that came flashing back the next day), but there were a few highlights..
I vaguely remember trying to manoeuvre a dance step that justice crew would've pulled out and imagined it going differently in my mind, because in my body, it was an epic fail. I thought it would be cute and classy to mime a song on the end of the couch arm, yet the couch disagreed and I missed the part where I somehow ended up with my neck parallel to the floor and my feet up in the air near the opening of the screen door??
Next flashback consisted of members accidentally dropping and smashing glasses all over the place like we were at a Jewish wedding! I was NOT to be blamed for this....for once..
and finally we have candy trying to attempt push ups after a few shots and forgetting that her muscles had melted from all the Alize and she was now apologising and talking sweet words to the paving after her chin collided with it.
A taxi home was shared with two other OHA members and then I can not remember any more, although I'm pretty sure to pass Taxi school, you have to avoid driving over the top of a median strip like our driver did.
MORNING!!!!!!!! The sun was burning through the window and as I was greeted with the feeling of desert mouth, I looked down and realised after somehow arriving home safely, I was still fully clothed...shoes and all. I had come to the grips that I was literally Santa's Bitch at this point because my belly was aching, I felt like I had a sideshow novelty hammer going off in my head and my mascara was now sitting on my cheeks.
The only way I was going to surface back to life was with a little extra help which came in the form of a burger. After a detox of six weeks with no such thing, I gave in and devoured my Whopper whilst sitting naked underneath my terry toweling dressing gown. I stayed on that pink velour covered lounge for a good hour and slowly felt the hotness coming back to me. Never again will Candy touch Mr Frangelico for he is the devil.
Tis the season to be Jolly ; )
xxx Candy
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