there's a robber on the dancefloor, but they didnt steal our groove!

Oh how I do love how people think they're being so inconspicuous when they talk behind the palm of their hands and do 'magpie eyes' in your direction?? May I just say, there's no way that I'm going to hear what the hell you're saying anyway so cut the crap, put your hand down and let me lip read! From the look of her 'wind-tunnel tight' ponytail and decision to wear a turtle neck skivvy complete with puffer vest (inside a club), she was probably just cursing jealousy at me anyway... nothing new!

I went with my girl to order a beverage and to my excitement, I discovered that the usual scary bar wench wasn't working, so it was a relief to get smiles as we ordered our drinks and not have a moody cow who had facials like she was permanently 'on the blob', smashing drinks around the place and choosing to only serve humans that had a penis. The bar staff were great and the line was moving fast. 

After our vanilla vodka shots, we chose to set up camp on one of the lounges in a prime location (in between the bar and DJ booth) and then BINGO!!!.... we've been here 10 minutes and there's already a paralytic on the floor straddling the poor innocent pole. Her poor friends tried the 'we don't know her' tactic by turning away when she was beckoning for them to join her and then they threw the shit directly towards the fan, got their camera/phones out and made the most of the situation. She was the typical sloppy first dancer up on the floor that would make the next few dancers look absolutely amazing in comparison.

Sloppy Sarah had left the building, everyone was burning up the dance floor to "Only Girl (In the World)" by Rihanna and I felt like I seriously WAS the only girl in the room with all the male circus freaks that were starting to gather around us. This is when Sloppy Sarah would've come in good use, usually you can push the drunk pole dancer into random men to eliminate two pests at once, but I had to go into work mode and get rid of them myself. This involved death glares and telling the men there were incredible drink specials at the bar, it always worked.

My girlfriend was in lock down mode when she spotted two little street rats trying to progressively kick her clutch purse further and further across the dance floor. First time we assumed it was a mistake, but then we realised they were trying to steal the handbag! So my girlfriend grabbed the bag out of the girl's hand, reported it immediately to security, but the robbers had already made a quick escape and apparently already taken off with another two bags!

We had another drinky and a dance to settle our nerves and then a little skinny moustached teenager that only just entered puberty came over and asked if he could add me on facebook. What was he thinking?? .... "Yes! i would love to accept your friend request and have you stalk my pictures while you imagine us playing LAIR together in your freaky little basement that resembles something of a Ikea children's bedroom catalogue??" No sweetie, go back to Babybook and meet your pals there. I pushed him towards some chick who was reliving her raver years and it sure looked like she accepted his tongue request within 3 seconds! Ahh true love!


It was progressing to closing time and the lights were coming on but we were still dancing up a storm. secretly, I think they just turned the lights on so the staff and DJ could get a good look at us performing because there was still 30 mins till closing. Everywhere we looked there were eyes on us (smiling and not laughing thankfully) and we bowed, curtsied and got a round of applause as we were leaving the club.

Waiting for a taxi was half as painful as the ride home because the driver wouldn't stop talking! If the meter was running on his words per minute, i would have to put this trip on layby. I tried hard to return the conversation and even tried to pretend i was getting calls on my mobile, but even my mobile had fallen asleep because of his verbal diarrhoea.

Quite a respectful night had by Candy and thankfully still had my dignity.....and my purse! xx

Rihanna - Only Girl (In The World)

What makes up TRUE HOTNESS?

BANNED!.....from a family restaurant

An appearance was needed by Candy and I was asked by one of my followers to go to a brand new club where she would be the new resident DJ to help make numbers look good for opening night. I recruited one of the OHA members to come with me and we had arrived a little early.

We spotted a restaurant on the street level below the club and ordered bottle of wine to warm up our talent for the night. By the time I had suffered three sips of the wine, I couldn't take it anymore and decided that this liquid tasted more like conjunctivitis than fine vino, but felt ill at the thought of leaving a bottle behind. So my girlfriend and I pretty much shot down the remainders and by 10 minutes time we had a waiter standing at our table. It was so hard to keep a straight face as he told us "we've had a couple of complaints about the noise level and some parents are concerned about the discussions they are overhearing". So yes, you can say we were evicted from that establishment and on the way out we made loud dalek noises into a fast moving fan that was located near the exit door.

Our names were on the door and let me tell you, it wasn't a big list. I counted a total of 5 patrons, 4 bar staff and 1 DJ. Usually I would love this exclusiveness, but at that time I felt embarrassed because it was such a small turn out for the brand new club and they wouldn't even made enough on door entry to keep the lights switched on! So being a generous and thoughtful person, I thought of a way that I could make the books look good for opening night and this involved buying copious amounts of wine, cocktails and shots for everyone in the club (not often I can do that)!

Now with every adventure Candy and her minions have, there is always a big bad scary wolf lurking in the corner. This one came in the form of being a short, bald crackhead that must have had a sight problem because he spoke approxiamately 1 inch away from my face. The wolf was quizzing us on why we had such bright eyes and clear skin, which we informed him was a positive outcome on not being on drugs like he was. I managed to escape the foul conversation by going to the dance floor, but my girlfriend later informed me that the wolf ended up being a particular client that was owing money to her law firm for unpaid court fines! So he would've thought his dreams had come true when she was asking for his digits, but the truth was, she was getting a contact number off him to follow up the fines on monday.

So further on into the evening, my darling little friend had taken advantage of the open bar, got quite messy and chose the quicker option of getting down the stairs, which was sliding down them on her ass till she hit the bottom. Another friend had offered to give us a lift to the city and as we had driven about 500k's, my girlfriend demanded to get out of the car, followed by holding on for dear life and elegantly spewing into the nearby council bin. Amazingly enough, I was still hungry and progressed to my old faithful safe haven that is....Hungry Jacks.

I was actually feeling quite fresh, whereas Struggletown was the next stop for my faithful OHA member standing beside me. We fought for a taxi, flopped our royal behinds in the back and hoped to god we made it home before the headache begun.

HOW DARE THEY EVICT SUCH TALENT! Candy xx

Barbara Streisand on the Bongos

Well I arrived solo (shock gasp) to met up with friends at a casual town bar on Saturday night with fresh red lips and hair looking flawless. The evening temperature was a calm 20 degrees so lots of people were very keen on being out on the town and obviously not concerned about catching genital hypothermia with their skirts creeping thigh high!

So I walk upstairs and locate the birthday girl who looked stunning and got a fee waived from the OHA, because it was after all, her 21st birthday party. I greeted her properly and then made my way to the outside veranda where two of my members were mingling with other guests from the party.  I hydrated myself with a delicate summer wine and inhaled a few cocktail spring rolls for my dinner, whilst catching up on the latest gossip. Speeches were announced and carried out, then it was off to the bar for another drink.

Now part of me thinks, there must have been a 'tradies' convention at this establishment because the general uniform was dreadlocks, checked style shirts and cheap beer-in-hand. They were everywhere! I was on the dance floor and some random approached me making it known to my attention that I smelt amazing (thanks to Britney). Well sweetie, this I already knew, but i probably didn't need to know the weather forecast that you left on my shoulder with all the slurring and spitting you were doing! Thankfully one of his neanderthal friends grunted out to him and he disappeared to do damage elsewhere.

The DJ was absolutely hitting the right notes with some sweet tunes although I probably could do with not hearing 'Barbara Streisand-Duck Sauce' for quite sometime....and 20 minutes later our little friend is back to slur over my other shoulder! Yet again tells me how awesome I (still) smell and thinks it is acceptable to start bump'n'grinding me to the beat of the congo drums our little DJ friend was bashing on. I made an obvious BOLT to the other side of our dancing circle and try to make it obvious that his chances of touching me is about as likely as a Eskimo living in Wagga Wagga.

"WHO'S UP FOR SHOT'S" Candy yells in a ladylike manner and the OHA members flocked to bar like seagulls to a hot chip. The bar man blended up something delicious which he poured into shot glasses, covered with and orange slice and lit on fire whilst sprinkling cinnamon on top (which created a 'sparkler' effect) and the group squealed like excited little school girls. Meanwhile, I had previously organised for the resident photographer to document the occasion because sadly my camera had decided to call it a night.

The male testosterone was going into overdrive and it felt like we were a big, juicy lamb carcass at feeding time in the zoo. They were pouncing on us and circling in from all directions with crazy looks in their eyes and I waited for Kelly Rowland to stop Working IT and the group exited to the bar. We decided to have more vanilla vodka shots at the bar (which would double as a Valium) and make our way downstairs where we would dance a little longer, the hideous closing lights would come on and we would try to hail a taxi to move on to the next club.

Standing out the front waiting for a lift, the crowds hear a "BOMMMF.....BANG.......DOOF" noise and we turn to see a pedestrian that has been hit by a taxi driver!! In a dramatic display of courage, one of my fellow members, throws his jacket towards me a skips in a fast fashion towards the human speed hump lying in the centre of the road. He heads back towards the group 5 minutes later telling everyone he'll be fine and we choose to take one of the taxi's in the cue whilst others are distracted.

The next venue provided much alcohol, entertainment and generally good people watching, but can I just send a warning to the size 26 dress up gaga in silver sequins (who looked more like a disco ball) ....?? If Candy EVER has to be subjected to a gyrating saltbush 2 metres away from her dancing space, there will be a nasty price to pay and 12 months imprisonment to wear faded denim, elastic waistband jeans. NO BAIL.

All I have to close with tonight is that the 'shot fairy' appeared in my conscience again...about 7 times to be exact and had her way with my mouth and mind.

Lets say a prayer that Candy woke up alive and makeup intact! xx

Duck Sauce - Barbra Streisand Official Video

On show at the Gallery

So this little blog has a nasty ending, you may need a bucket....i sure did!

The night started off with afternoon drinks at a friends house, which he had just recently moved into and its apparent to me now, I probably should've had more to eat at that little gathering. I looked at the time and I got a move on towards home so I could continue the warm up drinks and glam up for the evening ahead. All the OHA regulars were meeting the birthday boy in town at a swanky new bar and we were prepared for anything and everything. The man who the night was dedicated to looked positively HOT and I had to pull him to the side and issue a warning for him to tone it down. With a hot blonde quiff and skinny tie like his, the OHA would be issued a warrant and on our tail in a new york minute.
The venue was amazing and if Blair Waldorf was on my speed dial, she would be meeting me here with Chuck Bass any second. It was a rooftop bar with palm trees, bright perspex stools, outdoor heaters for that sudden spring breeze, a swish little bar in the corner and a large concrete block in the middle of the rooftop, which doubled as a table. When I went to sit at that table with a cocktail in hand, I looked down and it gave a view to the second floor where the restaurant was below. Obviously, the place to be was up on the rooftop bar...... this meant you were closer to heaven!


I decided my drink of choice for the night would be Blue Alize, which I believe is a blend of premium French vodka, cognac, passionfruit, cherry, ginger and natural exotic fruit juices accompanied nicely with a slash of lime on top. Yes, it was true, i had started a love affair with this new bevvy and it would become a like a hooker on Kings Cross.....cute and giggly when she's going down, but could prove to be a waste of money and leave you feeling dirty after.

So as the bar announced, it was happy hour 2 for 1 cocktails and this is where the seams were ripped apart. One member was making sexual gestures towards a wall painting, another member was getting third degree burns form standing to close to the floor heaters and not registering how hot they were and  the birthday boy was helplessly wandering up to every table and asking "is this my drink?? is this my drink??". The Absinthe cocktails were getting everyone hallucinating and allowing it to be acceptable to yell hello to girls walking across the street, three levels below us. They rudely ignored my friend which turned his happy, hippy wave into a stern middle finger matched by his grumpy face. Oh cheer up buttercups, we will now move on to our old faithful club where we assumed there would be extra backup on call for our arrival. 

Names on the door, thank you very much, and FOC (free of charge) entry was granted and we were now ticking along well with good tunes, the smell of fog machines and serious glances from the opposite sexes. As we were walking down to the metal stairway to the dance floor, many men had stopped us to assure us of how fine we were looking at that point and we were graced with our first OHA officer. He was screaming like a fishwife saying "MOVE IN OR MOVE OUT" and I was concerned that he had just taken three layers of skin of my inner ear and damaged my sexy in the process.

The bass in the club was so strong it was like having a free massage when you sat down and if you liked pretending you had a starring role in the movie Avatar, you would've loved the exotic smoke machine that created a softer lighting on some of the 'underworld' talent that was there that night.

My taste buds were living the dream, but the walls of my stomach felt like Bear Grylls was trekking around trying to abseil down them! I tried to do the fresh air trick out in the beer garden, but this wasn't helping. I think the word I was trying to find was taxi and I was really quick about it, so I grabbed my bestie and we were off on our journey towards home. Ten points to the taxi driver who turned down his music so he could eavesdrop on our interesting conversation recapping the night and then the moment of doom came, when we had arrived at the destination and I knew I would have to somehow get some blood pumping into my burning feet and get out of the cab.

Whilst I was sitting in the living room, Bear was still on his mountain hike and venturing towards the opening in my mouth. I made a bolt for the toilet door, which was closing fast and decided my quicker option would be to turn around and run for the front door. Sadly, time was cut shorter and I ended up catching my previous blue alize cocktails (mixed with fries and aioli) in my hand that was over my mouth. The poor lawn suffered from little landmines everywhere and this symbolised to me, maybe I should've picked up the water earlier that night. Although it tasted bitter and vile, my oral artwork that i will now title 'blue fries', looked quite pretty on the front lawn and there was many encore showings later on into that morning.

Good Grief Candy! xoxo