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1) Actually defined as a member of a despised social class, a commoner, a member of the plebs of ancient Rome. Also low-born, undisinguished, vulgar, and my personal favourite: vulgar-looking.
I have come to the time where I feel it necessary to introduce Candy's biggest partner in crime who is otherwise known as Celeste. As all traditional superhero and fantasy stories have been told.... the two powers are stronger when they are closer and that is a shortened version of what people are exposed to when experiencing Candy and Celeste in public.
Celeste does have a memory like an elephant, so she is a great aid in recapping stories and expressing the more finer, classier moments in the OHA chronicles.
So in this particular entry, Candy and Celeste had just finished a champagne brunch with some friends and the weather was glorious! It was a public holiday and the beach side was calling us to be amazing, so we organised to meet more friends and Celeste drove towards the bay where the water would be sparkling and wine was hopefully chilling.
As we were taking a main road to get us to our destination, some pretty blue and red flashing lights were in the distance and no, it wasn't a roadside rave party, it was police conducting alcohol breath testing and we had just been summoned. Celeste's eyeballs were as big as golf balls and the nervous shakes and giggles started straight away when she realised she had a bit of bubbly beforehand. "Hello Ladies" said the man in uniform, "please just gently blow into this and ill tell you when to stop", so Celeste did as she was told to whilst Candy sat and laughed thinking 'i wonder if they do cocktails in lockups?'. After Celeste had stopped blowing, she pulled her lips away leaving bright pink strawberry coloured gloss all over the mouth piece and we waited for the bleeps to give the all clear. Seven seconds later and the policeman remarked "yep, that's fine, have a good day girls" and Celeste was almost amazed she didn't have to hand the keys over and leave the car. Instant relief came over her and then she asked what the reading ended up being... it was 0.00!!! woooooooooo
So with that little detour, we started off again en route to the beach side bar and reached our destination, still astonished at the purity Celeste registered with her breath test. At least an hour into drinks and we had our first contender for public shame and it came in the form of a head full of dreadlocks with a receding hairline. Apparently this guy thought it was fair game and decided he'd pull up a chair and settle in for the afternoon. His flock of sloppy seagulls (mates) followed him and before we knew what was happening, it looked like a we were surrounded by a revival of some bizarre music festival circa 1994. There was tie-dye tops, a guy trying to plug his band by handing out gig leaflets and some random in a bowler hat talking my ear off and heaven help me I could not understand his cuban/french accent, so I just pretended I had a hearing problem.
Before I left the house I had seriously considered the variable straps on my maxi dress and had gone against strapless and chosen to make it a halter neck (which later doubled as a 'safety harness') and thank god i went for that option. My dress was choosing to take the fast lane down with gravity and if it wasnt for the 'safety harness' we would've been hosting a live breast test! haha
After sundown the wine wasn't even getting time to cling to the glass before it flooded down my throat and Celeste was encouraging Candy to believe that her knees also doubled as a seating apparatus. Although it was more like it was manufactured at haggle.com because the seating gave way and Celeste was now hanging off Candy's neck like kids play equipment. Don't fear kids, we made it look like a classy burlesque move, no-one knew the difference and we received applause all round.
The final display of the classy evening was when i went to talk to a friend who was clearly struggling with a table full of plebs around her and one of the nerds decided he would attempt to try a short, disgusting one liner on yours truly. I let him know of this blog address telling him it spotlights freaks of the night like him and in response, he thought it would be a great idea to break my safety strap and expose Candy's milk tops which landed him a quick backhand across the face. The only thing that could take my embarrassment away was the golden arches that resided underneath the beach bar establishment and Mr Ronald Mcdonald's cheeseburger was my night cap
Stay classy kids
xx Candy
