there's a robber on the dancefloor, but they didnt steal our groove!

Oh how I do love how people think they're being so inconspicuous when they talk behind the palm of their hands and do 'magpie eyes' in your direction?? May I just say, there's no way that I'm going to hear what the hell you're saying anyway so cut the crap, put your hand down and let me lip read! From the look of her 'wind-tunnel tight' ponytail and decision to wear a turtle neck skivvy complete with puffer vest (inside a club), she was probably just cursing jealousy at me anyway... nothing new!

I went with my girl to order a beverage and to my excitement, I discovered that the usual scary bar wench wasn't working, so it was a relief to get smiles as we ordered our drinks and not have a moody cow who had facials like she was permanently 'on the blob', smashing drinks around the place and choosing to only serve humans that had a penis. The bar staff were great and the line was moving fast. 

After our vanilla vodka shots, we chose to set up camp on one of the lounges in a prime location (in between the bar and DJ booth) and then BINGO!!!.... we've been here 10 minutes and there's already a paralytic on the floor straddling the poor innocent pole. Her poor friends tried the 'we don't know her' tactic by turning away when she was beckoning for them to join her and then they threw the shit directly towards the fan, got their camera/phones out and made the most of the situation. She was the typical sloppy first dancer up on the floor that would make the next few dancers look absolutely amazing in comparison.

Sloppy Sarah had left the building, everyone was burning up the dance floor to "Only Girl (In the World)" by Rihanna and I felt like I seriously WAS the only girl in the room with all the male circus freaks that were starting to gather around us. This is when Sloppy Sarah would've come in good use, usually you can push the drunk pole dancer into random men to eliminate two pests at once, but I had to go into work mode and get rid of them myself. This involved death glares and telling the men there were incredible drink specials at the bar, it always worked.

My girlfriend was in lock down mode when she spotted two little street rats trying to progressively kick her clutch purse further and further across the dance floor. First time we assumed it was a mistake, but then we realised they were trying to steal the handbag! So my girlfriend grabbed the bag out of the girl's hand, reported it immediately to security, but the robbers had already made a quick escape and apparently already taken off with another two bags!

We had another drinky and a dance to settle our nerves and then a little skinny moustached teenager that only just entered puberty came over and asked if he could add me on facebook. What was he thinking?? .... "Yes! i would love to accept your friend request and have you stalk my pictures while you imagine us playing LAIR together in your freaky little basement that resembles something of a Ikea children's bedroom catalogue??" No sweetie, go back to Babybook and meet your pals there. I pushed him towards some chick who was reliving her raver years and it sure looked like she accepted his tongue request within 3 seconds! Ahh true love!


It was progressing to closing time and the lights were coming on but we were still dancing up a storm. secretly, I think they just turned the lights on so the staff and DJ could get a good look at us performing because there was still 30 mins till closing. Everywhere we looked there were eyes on us (smiling and not laughing thankfully) and we bowed, curtsied and got a round of applause as we were leaving the club.

Waiting for a taxi was half as painful as the ride home because the driver wouldn't stop talking! If the meter was running on his words per minute, i would have to put this trip on layby. I tried hard to return the conversation and even tried to pretend i was getting calls on my mobile, but even my mobile had fallen asleep because of his verbal diarrhoea.

Quite a respectful night had by Candy and thankfully still had my dignity.....and my purse! xx

Rihanna - Only Girl (In The World)

What makes up TRUE HOTNESS?

BANNED!.....from a family restaurant

An appearance was needed by Candy and I was asked by one of my followers to go to a brand new club where she would be the new resident DJ to help make numbers look good for opening night. I recruited one of the OHA members to come with me and we had arrived a little early.

We spotted a restaurant on the street level below the club and ordered bottle of wine to warm up our talent for the night. By the time I had suffered three sips of the wine, I couldn't take it anymore and decided that this liquid tasted more like conjunctivitis than fine vino, but felt ill at the thought of leaving a bottle behind. So my girlfriend and I pretty much shot down the remainders and by 10 minutes time we had a waiter standing at our table. It was so hard to keep a straight face as he told us "we've had a couple of complaints about the noise level and some parents are concerned about the discussions they are overhearing". So yes, you can say we were evicted from that establishment and on the way out we made loud dalek noises into a fast moving fan that was located near the exit door.

Our names were on the door and let me tell you, it wasn't a big list. I counted a total of 5 patrons, 4 bar staff and 1 DJ. Usually I would love this exclusiveness, but at that time I felt embarrassed because it was such a small turn out for the brand new club and they wouldn't even made enough on door entry to keep the lights switched on! So being a generous and thoughtful person, I thought of a way that I could make the books look good for opening night and this involved buying copious amounts of wine, cocktails and shots for everyone in the club (not often I can do that)!

Now with every adventure Candy and her minions have, there is always a big bad scary wolf lurking in the corner. This one came in the form of being a short, bald crackhead that must have had a sight problem because he spoke approxiamately 1 inch away from my face. The wolf was quizzing us on why we had such bright eyes and clear skin, which we informed him was a positive outcome on not being on drugs like he was. I managed to escape the foul conversation by going to the dance floor, but my girlfriend later informed me that the wolf ended up being a particular client that was owing money to her law firm for unpaid court fines! So he would've thought his dreams had come true when she was asking for his digits, but the truth was, she was getting a contact number off him to follow up the fines on monday.

So further on into the evening, my darling little friend had taken advantage of the open bar, got quite messy and chose the quicker option of getting down the stairs, which was sliding down them on her ass till she hit the bottom. Another friend had offered to give us a lift to the city and as we had driven about 500k's, my girlfriend demanded to get out of the car, followed by holding on for dear life and elegantly spewing into the nearby council bin. Amazingly enough, I was still hungry and progressed to my old faithful safe haven that is....Hungry Jacks.

I was actually feeling quite fresh, whereas Struggletown was the next stop for my faithful OHA member standing beside me. We fought for a taxi, flopped our royal behinds in the back and hoped to god we made it home before the headache begun.

HOW DARE THEY EVICT SUCH TALENT! Candy xx